Parenting Styles & Co-Parenting: How to Avoid Feeling Like the Odd One Out.

When you step into a blended family, you’re not just blending lives—you’re blending parenting styles, discipline approaches, and household expectations.

And if you’ve ever felt like the odd one out in your own home, you’re not alone.

Maybe your partner and their ex co-parent smoothly, and you’re not sure where you fit in. Maybe your partner is more relaxed, while you prefer more structure. Or maybe you’re stuck in the middle of parenting disagreements but don’t feel like you have a voice.

It can be frustrating, isolating, and even a little heartbreaking. So how do you navigate these differences without resentment? Let’s break it down.

1. Identify the Parenting Styles at Play

Parenting isn’t one-size-fits-all, and in blended families, it’s common to have multiple approaches at the table. The most common parenting styles include:

👩‍🏫 Authoritarian: Strict rules, high expectations, little flexibility.

🛶 Permissive: Few rules, more friend than parent.

🤝 Authoritative: Balance of structure and warmth, clear but fair boundaries.

🎭 Uninvolved: Minimal rules or engagement in parenting.

💡 Reality Check: If you and your partner (or their ex) don’t align, conflict is bound to happen. Understanding where everyone is coming from is the first step to figuring out how to work together.

📌 Action Step: Observe how your partner and their ex approach parenting. Ask yourself:

➡️ Do they enforce rules consistently?

➡️ Are they strict, flexible, or hands-off?

➡️ Do they have similar rules and expectations in each household?

➡️ Where do I fall in this dynamic?

Understanding the existing structure helps you adjust your expectations and find where you fit in.

2. Communicate Your Perspective Without Judgment

It’s natural to have opinions about how kids should be raised, especially when you’re in the home and affected by the outcomes. But stepmoms often feel like they can’t speak up—or when they do, it causes tension.

💡 Reality Check: Your perspective matters, but how you communicate it makes all the difference.

📌 Action Step: Instead of saying:

❌ “I think you and your ex let the kids get away too much.”

Try:

✅ “I’ve noticed bedtime has been inconsistent, and I’d love for us to find a routine that works for all of us. What do you think?”

Approaching conversations with curiosity instead of criticism helps you be heard without creating defensiveness.

3. Define Your Role in Parenting Decisions

One of the hardest parts of blended family life is figuring out how much say you have in parenting decisions.

💡 Reality Check: You might not have the final say in major parenting decisions—but that doesn’t mean you don’t have any influence.

📌 Action Step: Have a direct conversation with your partner about:

✔️ What parenting decisions you’ll be included in

✔️ What’s up to them and their ex

✔️ Where your role fits into daily structure, discipline, and routines

This prevents misunderstandings, resentment, and unnecessary power struggles.

4. Don’t Take Differences Personally

It’s easy to feel hurt when your partner defaults to their ex’s opinion or chooses a parenting approach that doesn’t align with yours.

💡 Reality Check: Many parenting habits were set long before you came into the picture. Your partner isn’t necessarily choosing their ex over you—they’re just sticking to what’s familiar.

📌 Action Step: When a parenting decision rubs you the wrong way, ask yourself:

🧠 How was I parented growing up? Am I expecting my stepchildren to follow the same rules I had as a child?

🧠 Is this about me, or is this just their established way of parenting? Is there something that’s happening that doesn’t align with my values?

🧠 Am I affected by the outcome of the parenting decision? (Example: your partner agrees to switch the parenting time schedule without talking to you.)

This helps you respond logically instead of emotionally.

5. Create Household Expectations (Even if the Rules Differ in Each Home)

One of the biggest blended family struggles is dealing with different rules in different households.

💡 Reality Check: You can’t control what happens in the other home, but you can establish what happens in yours. Sometimes, parallel parenting is more peaceful than co-parenting in high conflict situations

📌 Action Step: Sit down with your partner and agree on household expectations around:

🚫 Respect and behavior: Family members can be expected to be respectful and kind to everyone living in the household.

🏠 Responsibilities: Everyone in your household can be expected to take care of some responsibilities. You may have a formal chore chart or allowance, or you might just have expectations that everyone picks up after themselves and keeps family spaces functional.

🛏️ Daily routines: Everyone can be expected to follow basic routines for hygiene, bedtime, homework and other activities that help your family run smoothly.

Even if things are different at the other house, having a clear and consistent structure in your home helps stepkids adjust without confusion. Kids are very likely to encounter different sets of rules in the world. For example, the rules at the trampoline park are different than the rules at the library. Most kids can learn to adjust in these types of settings, whether at school, sports, afterschool activities, church, etc.

💡 Pro Tip: Keep your house rules simple and enforceable to avoid constant battles.

6. Let Your Partner Lead the Discipline

One of the biggest stressors for stepmoms is disciplining stepkids—especially when your partner parents differently than you would or when you have your own biological kids in the home.

💡 Reality Check: Disciplining stepkids can backfire if the relationship isn’t strong enough. If you step in too soon, kids may see you as overstepping instead of guiding. Focus on building connection before correction.

📌 Action Step: Let your partner take the lead on discipline. Instead of being the enforcer, you can support their parenting by reinforcing agreed-upon rules and setting expectations.

If you do step into a disciplinary role, make sure your partner has agreed to back you up so the kids take you seriously.

7. Find a Way to Work With (Not Against) the Ex

Even if you never interact directly with your partner’s ex, their parenting style still impacts your household.

💡 Reality Check: You don’t have to like the ex or agree with their parenting style.

📌 Action Step: Encourage your partner to maintain open communication with their co-parent, especially on big topics like:

✅ School expectations

✅ Behavioral concerns or special needs that require outside therapy/intervention

✅ Religious expectations

✅ Medical concerns

The more aligned they are, the easier it is for you to navigate your role without feeling like the outsider.

💡 Pro Tip: In a high conflict situation, it’s important to prioritize peace. Be mindful of when and where you discuss issues regarding the other parent. You and your partner should discuss how you might discuss any differences between households if the children raise questions.

Ex: Your stepchild says their mom allows them to play video games that you do not.

❌ “It’s ridiculous that your mom lets you play those violent video games at her house. She should know they’re not appropriate for your age.”

Try:

✅ “While you’re here, your dad and I support you playing games that are rated for your age. We can play this game or that one. Which one would you like to try out?”

8. Know When to Step Back for Your Own Sanity

If you’ve tried compromising, communicating, and adapting, but you still feel like you don’t have a say, it’s okay to step back.

💡 Reality Check: Sometimes, the best way to avoid resentment is to disengage from the things that aren’t yours to fix.

📌 Action Step: Instead of trying to change how your partner or their ex parents, focus on:

💛 Building your own relationship with your stepkids

💛 Creating a positive home environment

💛 Keeping your own mental health intact

Not every battle is worth fighting—choose peace over control. If your stepchild’s messy room is driving you crazy, close the door when they’re not home. If bedtime is always chaos, take a bath and catch up on your TBR pile instead of participating. If you’ve taken on too much, let your partner know you’re stepping back in certain areas and that they’ll need to take the lead. Remember, disengaging from discipline doesn’t mean ignoring your stepchild or refusing to participate in any activities with them. It’s about setting boundaries to improve your relationships.

Final Thoughts: Your Role is Valid

If you’ve ever felt like the odd one out in parenting decisions, remember this:

💛 Your role in the family matters.

💛 You deserve a voice in your home.

💛 You don’t have to change everything to make a difference.

Finding harmony in a blended family takes time, patience, and flexibility—but with open communication and clear boundaries, you can navigate differences with less resentment.

What’s Next?

If this post resonated with you, be sure to check out my coaching options—because you don’t have to do this alone.

Keep stepping,

Sarah 💛